Oh, to be in Washington again

I have 24 days left until I set foot on Pacific Northwest soil again. For a grand total of seven days.

I'm sitting at my desk in my dorm, drinking Minute Maid apple juice that I thought was only 10% juice, but am just now realizing is actually 100% APPLE JUICE. Who knew? So suddenly it's like I'm drinking gold or something, like it's the best thing I've ever tasted. And it gets me thinking about the delicious apples that my family gets every fall in Hood River. I can't remember the name of them and it's driving me crazy. Gravensteins, maybe? Or something that starts with an H...either way, I'm sitting here drinking apple juice and thinking of that cool farm/country kitchen that we go to every year in Hood River and the AMAZING BBQ they have going that always draw a massive crowd. Hot, saucy pulled pork sandwiches, pear coleslaw and spiced baked beans...there is truly nothing better than that. Topped off with some homemade Hood River apple pie or some hot apple cider, and you have yourself the perfect fall day.

I also miss the ocean, even if it does always rain when I go there. It's a dark and twisty kind of beautiful. The kind that makes you fear the ocean just a little. Maybe because you can't see the end of it or maybe because the crashing of the waves is so loud and looks so powerful that you feel tiny standing there staring at it.

Today, I am sick. I have a fever. Which probably makes my writing seem over the top ridiculous because I'm pretty sure my fever is frying my brain as I'm writing this. But I also received flowers today, for the first time in a looong time. And it made my day, even if my grey matter is indeed being slow-cooked in this pumpkin head of mine.

So I guess I'm a Pacific Northwesterner now. Since I'm obviously not a "Wild West" girl like I thought I was. Or maybe I'm not meant to really fit anywhere.

Oddly enough, I think that would be okay with me.

~H

I'm not in love with anyone anymore. There is no one worth that in my life right now. Pathetic.

The End.

Missoula

So I've been in Missoula for 3 weeks-ish now and I decided that I'm moving to Bellingham in May, right after finals. I cannot believe that I miss Washington. I'm not a Wyoming girl anymore. I don't hate it here, but I'm not in love with it enough to pay out-of-state tuition.

Speaking of loooove, Valentines Day is on Saturday. I love Valentines Day, regardless of the fact that I've never actually had a significant other on said day. Its just fun. Pink, red--happy colors. Chocolate. Good. I see nothing to dislike about the love day. It's fabulous. So I think it would be great if the perpetually single folks out there would stop bitching about how much they hate it...it's just one day. Let it go =)

Also, I just discovered how much better I look when I weigh 10 pounds less than what I normally do. Three weeks in Missoula will do that to you, apparently. I say this as I'm eating a cookie. Har har.

Read Ishmael (Daniel Quinn). You will either think its pure bullshit because you're a human being, or it'll make you consider how sustainable your lifestyle really is and what you can do to lessen your impact on the environment. On a side note: it is slightly pious/snobby and I didn't especially appreciate that. Good message though.

I don't know if I want to do environmental studies anymore. Or anything related to it. WHICH SUCKS. What the hell am I supposed to do with my life??

My new favorite waste of time is coloring. Like in Hello Kitty or Disney coloring books. It's calming. So are yoga stretches. And tea.

I want to be home. But I don't want home to be Vancouver.

<3

Good and bad decisions

Two days ago, I made a really big mistake. I think.

Or I could just be freaking out.


But either way, the bottle of Old Spice in my shower is a daily reminder of the fact that you never forget the first person you loved.

Something obvious

I spent a short time with one of my best friends up at Western Washington and had an amazing time. Bellingham is a beautiful place and has somehow managed to centralize some of the nicest people I've ever met.

Whenever I go on some new adventure, I always try to remember at least one thing that will forever define it in my memory. Lately, I've been trying so hard to keep my view on life as positive as I can because I realized that my life is really very easy and is literally filled with people who love me.

I can't think of one who person who would even have a reason to hate me.

And yet, there are small, random moments throughout the days and weeks that are almost unbearably sad. So on my adventure, I looked for the good in everything and I ended up having one of the best conversations of my life. My best friend and I were talking about where we were in our lives at this point, both feeling like we were in a similar place. She told me that her hope was that whatever situations had caused the negativity in our lives would not destroy us to the point of being invulnerable. How sad it would be for neither of us to have learned something that would be so vital and helpful in the future, to struggle with personal demons only to have them imprison us in the end.

And I believe that there are any number of situations in our time here on Earth in which our decision to either let something eat us alive or rise above ultimately decides the lens through which we see our day to day world and not just the challenges and successes along the way.

Taking a trip

I hate that some of the same old things still make me sad/sick. I may never grow up.

Today I'm taking the train to Bellingham. Which feels a lot like an escape. Something that I tend to do whenever possible--whether it be in the form of reading a book for hours on end, going somewhere by myself for a day or moving to a state that is 8 hours away from everyone that I love.

I am so thankful for the people in life who enjoy me, who actually plan some time to spend with me whenever possible. How did I get that lucky?

An older friend of mine gave me book to read the other day titled Panic Snap...I will always read the back covers of books now before I start reading the actual book. Apparently a panic snap is part of a bondage contraption that releases the...individual in case the situation goes too far. Erotic fiction, anyone?

I think I will write while I'm on the train this afternoon. And get myself some John Mayer for the Ipod. Call my cliche.

Falling from pedestals

It took less than 24 hours and just one individual who I thought I would never see again to remind me that I'm only human. I'm not better than anyone else. And I'm most certainly not the kindest person in the world. UGH.

I don't think I've ever been on the receiving end of the whole 'killing with kindness' concept, but as a new recipient of said practice I can honestly tell you that there is no better way to make someone feel like an ass.

I spent a fantastic few hours driving around Bend and Mt. Bachelor in perfect weather, taking pictures of incredible lakes, forests, etc. all with the help of someone who should, by all rights, hate me through and through. We just rolled down the windows, blasted some great music and didn't talk a whole lot. Just enjoyed the day. And for once, I could not think of one other thing I would have rather been doing at that point in time.

And from where I'm sitting now, recalling this beautiful day, I'm realizing that I don't deserve it. And there's no way to convey now the depth of my remorse for calling off a friendship that should have lasted a lifetime.

Damn pedestal.