Good and bad decisions

Two days ago, I made a really big mistake. I think.

Or I could just be freaking out.


But either way, the bottle of Old Spice in my shower is a daily reminder of the fact that you never forget the first person you loved.

Something obvious

I spent a short time with one of my best friends up at Western Washington and had an amazing time. Bellingham is a beautiful place and has somehow managed to centralize some of the nicest people I've ever met.

Whenever I go on some new adventure, I always try to remember at least one thing that will forever define it in my memory. Lately, I've been trying so hard to keep my view on life as positive as I can because I realized that my life is really very easy and is literally filled with people who love me.

I can't think of one who person who would even have a reason to hate me.

And yet, there are small, random moments throughout the days and weeks that are almost unbearably sad. So on my adventure, I looked for the good in everything and I ended up having one of the best conversations of my life. My best friend and I were talking about where we were in our lives at this point, both feeling like we were in a similar place. She told me that her hope was that whatever situations had caused the negativity in our lives would not destroy us to the point of being invulnerable. How sad it would be for neither of us to have learned something that would be so vital and helpful in the future, to struggle with personal demons only to have them imprison us in the end.

And I believe that there are any number of situations in our time here on Earth in which our decision to either let something eat us alive or rise above ultimately decides the lens through which we see our day to day world and not just the challenges and successes along the way.

Taking a trip

I hate that some of the same old things still make me sad/sick. I may never grow up.

Today I'm taking the train to Bellingham. Which feels a lot like an escape. Something that I tend to do whenever possible--whether it be in the form of reading a book for hours on end, going somewhere by myself for a day or moving to a state that is 8 hours away from everyone that I love.

I am so thankful for the people in life who enjoy me, who actually plan some time to spend with me whenever possible. How did I get that lucky?

An older friend of mine gave me book to read the other day titled Panic Snap...I will always read the back covers of books now before I start reading the actual book. Apparently a panic snap is part of a bondage contraption that releases the...individual in case the situation goes too far. Erotic fiction, anyone?

I think I will write while I'm on the train this afternoon. And get myself some John Mayer for the Ipod. Call my cliche.

Falling from pedestals

It took less than 24 hours and just one individual who I thought I would never see again to remind me that I'm only human. I'm not better than anyone else. And I'm most certainly not the kindest person in the world. UGH.

I don't think I've ever been on the receiving end of the whole 'killing with kindness' concept, but as a new recipient of said practice I can honestly tell you that there is no better way to make someone feel like an ass.

I spent a fantastic few hours driving around Bend and Mt. Bachelor in perfect weather, taking pictures of incredible lakes, forests, etc. all with the help of someone who should, by all rights, hate me through and through. We just rolled down the windows, blasted some great music and didn't talk a whole lot. Just enjoyed the day. And for once, I could not think of one other thing I would have rather been doing at that point in time.

And from where I'm sitting now, recalling this beautiful day, I'm realizing that I don't deserve it. And there's no way to convey now the depth of my remorse for calling off a friendship that should have lasted a lifetime.

Damn pedestal.

Change

This is where I'm headed. Missoula, MT. To study Wildlife Biology at the University of Montana. Which I will be surprised if I actually end up doing, seeing as how I really don't know what I should do. I picked that major solely because it sounded cool and I like being outdoors. Do I really know what that major entails? Not so much. But Montana is cheap as far as universities go and its the best option I have to remove myself from Washington. The Rainy State. (Ah yes, that's where the title comes in). Washington is incredibly beautiful, with more outdoor options than you could ever hope to try in one lifetime. It's one serious downfall: it rains 90% of the time, so you can only participate in said outdoor activities approximately 27 days out of 365. Perhaps coincidentally, our suicide rate is extraordinarily high....

So I guess what I'm doing is leaving home in search of a few months more sunshine when its supposed to be sunny and snow in the winters. I want winters that are clear and cold and white. And warm summers with thunderstorms. I'm a person who relies not on other people for my level of happiness, but the weather.

At the same time, I wonder what I'm giving up. My friends, my family--the people who put up with me and think I'm cool even though its not required. What am I losing in order to gain?

I will be leaving behind more than just the rain.